I don't know where to start. I don't know how to go on.
My mother died 29 March - she was coming to stay for a visit and had a massive heart attack in the car bringing her here from Heathrow. It happened while she was still near the airport. I take some small comfort in the fact that the coroner said she died very very quickly. I take no comfort in the fact that she is gone, that we weren't there, and that she was alone. I still can't process it.
We traveled to London to see her, so I could say goodbye, and to make some arrangements. David handled absolutely everything and I am so very grateful. I can't really talk about it or think about it.
My sister and her family had also been planning to visit while mom was here. Anne was able to come quicker than planned and arrived with Harriss (their younger daughter) on Easter. I was so glad to see her, and to be together with her here when mom's ashes arrived. Sometime I will write about that day, and how it was really wonderful instead of the horror I dreaded.
Steve and Clarke came as scheduled on the 19th. David had to leave for Germany for 6 weeks the week after Anne arrived. Having the family here kept me going and kept me from drowning, and even made me laugh fairly often. We kept very busy while they were all here. Now that they are back home I am really floundering.
We leave to join David in Germany for a couple of weeks this Wednesday. Then we are home for a week or so before heading to the states for mom's memorial and to sort through things there, etc. Anne and family took mom's ashes home when they left, for the memorial.
The memorial will be a wonderful thing, I know. It will be in Pennsylvania, at our beloved Sheila's. Sheila and mom have been friends since the 50s, and she is like another mother to us. Mom stayed with Sheila in this past year and a half when she wasn't in England with us.
I don't believe that she's not here, and I'm not dealing with it so very well. Everything I see and do reminds me of her, and that hurts so much right now. When my family was here I felt rather overwhelmed by all the touring and things we were doing, although I know this may be the only trip to England they make. But keeping busy as we did kept me from feeling awful - and I am sure it did the same thing for them.
I wish I could take a magic pill and feel better, but I can't bring her back, and I can't imagine feeling better. I get through the days OK, although I would rather just sleep. It seems like it's been raining here for the past month, too. The house is a tip, relatively speaking. The laundry is piled up. Sometimes the kids don't get a real meal for dinner but they will survive on string cheese and cherry tomatoes and pretzels for a time.